Max's SummerSlam Preview

It's the biggest party of the summer!

(If I hear that one more time, I'm going to kill myself.)

What the hell is the theme music for SummerSlam supposed to be, anyways?

OH
WHY NOT
OH
WHY NOT
OH
WHY NOT
LOOK AT THE TACO

Something along those lines.

Yes, it is the 20th annual SummerSlam pay per view. I love the poster for this - it's so obvious that the WWE just copy-and-pasted Triple H's big head over the poster they had before, with Umaga and the Jackass crew on it.

I like SummerSlam. It's the second Pay Per View I ever ordered, after the Royal Rumble of 2002 (Maven dropkicked 'Taker out of the Rumble! Ha!). In fact, I think I've still got my VCR recording of SummerSlam '02. Shawn Michaels returned and beat Triple H, after which he got a sledgehammer in the back... the Rock lost the title to Brock Lesnar, who became (at the time) the youngest WWE champion in history (my young mark self couldn't watch that again, because I loved the Rock)... and I loved the theme music for it.

AND EVERY TIME... YOU THINK THAT YOU'VE GOT ME...
I WILL FIGHT YOU
AND I WILL PUT YOU IN THE GROUND...

A quick look at the card for SummerSlam 2002 shows that 2 of the participants are dead, 5 work/worked for TNA, one is semi-retired, one's WWE future is in doubt and one is in MMA or Japan or whatever Lesnar's doing at the moment. But enough nostalgia and badly remembered lyrics, on to the PPV.

Let's take a look and see what we've got going on here...

WWE SLUTS BATTLE ROYAL
Winner becomes #1 contender for WWE Women's Title
Michelle McCool vs. Kristal Marshall vs. Victoria vs. Torrie Wilson vs. Cherry vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Brooke vs. Layla vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James vs. Melina vs. Jillian Hall vs. Maria

That's a lot of sluts. Anyways, this will obviously be a battle of epic proportions. I'm predicting a five-star match here. Wait, no I'm not. This'll suck, duh. Let's look at the possible winners here, though. There's basically 5 women I see having a chance in this one: Michelle McCool, Victoria, Beth Phoenix, Mickie James and Melina. Even then, it's really only the last three who have a shot, because I don't see the WWE putting the Women's Title on Smackdown, where there's, what, 4 women? That wouldn't work. Beth Phoenix might be getting a bit of a push, but I love Mickie, and her heel turn on Raw (that was a heel turn, right?) indicates she might be facing Candice in the future.

Here is your winner... Kenny Dysktra's wife! (Lucky bugger.)

FINLAY vs KANE

This is one of a few throwaway matches the WWE could have put on this card. They could have had a tag title match, they could have had a second ECW match, but no, they put this on SummerSlam. I've got nothing against these two guys: Finlay's an excellent wrestler, and Kane's been a hard worker for his entire career. I just don't know if this was needed on SummerSlam. Alright, time to pick a winner. I've always seen SummerSlam as more of a mark's pay per view - kids aren't at school so they can order it, and it's advertised as more fun than OMG DEATH DEATH DEATH like, say, Unforgiven. Thus, I've gotta go with the face here.

Here is your winner... MY GAWD THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE THE BIG RED MACHINE

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
WWE Intercontinental Championship
Umaga (c) vs Mr. Kennedy vs Carlito

Is there even a face in this match? I guess it's Umaga, but even then... hmm. It's tough to pick, this one. At least for me. Well, now that I think about it, not really. Kennedy's getting a push, with the whole Vince's kid angle (OMG SPOILER). I presume that, anyways. And he's not going for the title for a while, because Orton's going to win it on this PPV, then Triple H'll win it, then Kennedy will feud with Hunter. It makes sense. So, they'll give Kennedy the strap now, and then make him give it up to, say, Cody Rhodes some time in the future (I doubt that, I'm just throwing a name out there) before he faces Trips.

Here is your winner... and NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION... MISSTTERRRRRRRR KENNNNNEDDYYYY... KENNEDY...

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
John Morrison (c) vs CM Punk

In my opinion, ECW is the best of the three shows at the moment, as strange as it sounds. At the very least, they're doing the most with the least. Only three people on the roster weren't on last week's show - Marcus Cor Von, Mike Knox, and Nunzio. Which is saying something about how damn small the ECW roster is. This is the best part. I love John Morrison - he's actually got an interesting character to go along with his terrific wrestling! And Punk is just awesome, with his ability in the ring and outside of it. I'm actually interested in how this match turns out, which is strange for me, and I'm going to downlo- I mean, acquire this pay per view simply because of this match. But who's gonna win? I don't know. I want to go with Morrison. I think he might retain, because I don't think the WWE, World Heavyweight, Intercontinental AND ECW titles will change hands on the same PPV. But I also think it's gonna be third time lucky for Punk. Tell you what, I'll flip a coin. Heads, it's Morrison, tails, it's Punk. (I'm actually doing this.)

And...

Punk wins the title.

Here is your winner... and NEW ECW CHAMPION... (the IWC collectively orgasms)... CM PUNK

REY MYSTERIO vs CHAVO GUERRERO

Eugh. In comparison to the ECW title match, which I care about, I don't give a damn AT ALL who wins this one. I just can't take Chavo seriously as a main eventer. I hated this feud before Rey's surgery, and I hate it now. Just go back to Kerwin White, Chavo. As for Rey? He's a good wrestler, and likeable, I suppose. I'm just not that interested in him. Rey's gonna win, obviously, that's a no-brainer - but I'm probably going to skip through this match when I watch it.

Here is your winner... BOOYAKAH BOOYAKAH 6-1-9

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
The Great Khali with his translator guy (c) vs Batista

Another eugh match. But the eugh this time is because it's going to be epically horrible. Honestly, the most entertaining part of this "feud" has been Khali crushing the flat basketball. That's it. Batista has had 9 - yes, NINE - unsuccessful title shots, and despite this he's getting another one. That's just bullshit. I hate Batista. I hate Khali. I hate this match. Batista's going to win, because the dirtsheets said so (Batista's gonna win, and if Khali can put on a good enough match he'll get a stipulation match rematch at Unforgiven). Stupid Smackdown main event scene.

Here is your winner... and NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... BALDTITSTA

TRIPLE H vs KING BOOKER

I like the fact that with Hunter's booking powers, he's put this as the second match on the list at the WWE.com SummerSlam site, above all of the matches I've already written about. That's what you get when you fuck the boss's daughter, I guess. Look, I don't care about this, either. I don't like Triple H, particularly. I like Booker, but his matches have been poor, lately (not that he's had good competition). Obviously, Big Nose'll win... and that's really all I have to say about this.

Here is your winner... I-UH... AM-UH... THE GAME-UH...

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
John Cena (c) vs Randy Orton

I take back what I said about the ECW title match. This is why I want to watch SummerSlam. But, why, you ask? The match won't be very good, no. But I just want to see one pay per view end without Cena's music playing. For once. I don't like Cena. I love Orton - the pose, the ho's, the RKOs. And I'm 95% that he's gonna win. Which is freaking awesome.

Come on, Orton. Do it for the IWC. Please. We've Cena-nuff.

Here is your winner... and NEW WWE CHAMPION... neeooooouuuwwwwww HEY!