one-night stand - noun1. a single performance in one locale, as by a touring theatrical company, before moving on to the next engagement.
2. (slang) a one-night sex partner; sexual intercourse with a one-night partner
3. ANOTHER BLOODY PAY PER VIEW
Yes, it's another WWE pay per view, just 2 weeks after Judgment Day (and one night after Saturday Night's Main Event, for that matter, although to be fair that wasn't a PPV.) One could call this Judgment Day Part II, Revenge of the Heels (or something), with the amount of rematches we have on this card. There's 2 one-on-one rematches, which doesn't include Vincent Kennedy McMahon vs Bobby Lindsey (Judgment Day: Vincent, Shane and Umaga vs Lindsey), and the Six-Man Tag Team Tables Match (JD: CM Punk vs Elijah Burke).
OK, so there is a few new matches, but certainly not many good ones. Kane vs Mark Henry in a Lumberjack Match? That doesn't even make any sense - almost all of the lumberjacks will be smaller than the competitors. That's not very threatening! Rob Van Overacting vs Another Headlock Randy in a Stretcher match? Orton's going to chin-lock RVD to sleep and then slowly lower him onto the stretcher! Melina vs Candice in a PUDDING MATCH?!? THAT IS NOT EXTREME, VINCE! EXTREME!!!! EC-DUB IS EXTREME!!!11! Oh, but some people will say, "But Max, Candice has been improving lately and now she's one of the best women wrestlers!" That's like saying I have syphillis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases.
Sure, then you've got the Ladder Match between the Hardys and the World's Greatest Tag Team. If you read this blog often, you'll know my thoughts on this match already. I very much like it, although it could have been better. This is irrelevant though, onto the matches.
Kane vs Mark Henry
Lumberjack Match
I couldn't be less looking forward to this. This match was created because on Smackdown, these two guys had a horrible match which ended with a bear hug on the floor which forced Kane to be counted out. Yes, you read that correctly. My god, it even sounds horrible. So then new assistant General Manager Vickie Guerrero (ewwwwwwwwww) made this match for One Night Stand. If it's possible to hate her even more, I do now.
Picking a winner... I dunno. The World's Sweatiest Man got the upper hand on Smackdown, so...
Here is your winner, THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE MY GAWD ITS KANE
Rob Van Dam vs Randy Orton
Stretcher Match
This came about after some crap on WWE.com where RVD didn't like what Orton did to HBK, so Orton requested a match, and then he beat him up, and then Van Dam oversold the RKO, and so on until we got to here. I expect this match to be full of headlocks (Orton) and botches (RVD). Great, just great. I would pick RVD to win, but he's on the outs with the WWE. I would pick Orton to win, but he is too, along with the fact that he had the upper hand on WWE TV this week. I dunno, I'll just guess...
Here is your winner, Another Headlock Randy?
CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman vs the New Breed (Elijah Burke, Matt Striker and Marcus Cor Von)
Six-Man Tag Team Tables Match
This has a possibility of being good. Remember some of the hardcore matches that have been on ECW recently? (The four-way dance, New Breed vs Originals to name the ones I mean.) This could end up something like this. Now, I'm not sure how exactly this will work. Does every man need to go through a table, or just one? I'm hoping all three, otherwise this might get cut short for that all-important pudding match. Eugh. Anyways, this is a bit of a difficult decision too. The heels need to win something on this PPV to balance it out, and Jobby Dreamer is on the other team. But, I don't see Punk losing. I'm torn. Hmm...
Here is your winner, the team with the logo that looks like some sort of shaving logo, AKA the New Breed
The Hardys (Matt and Jeff) vs the World's Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas)
Ladder Match
World Tag Team Championship
Well, this one's an easy pick. This'll probably be one of the best matches on the card, simply because the rest of the card isn't very good. Also, the fact that we've got Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy (botches and all) and Shelton Benjamin running around using ladders. And Charlie Haas isn't that bad either. (I was probably a bit mean to him in my last post.) Of course, the WGTT isn't going to win, that wouldn't make any sense. The Hardys'll win this... although, I just thought of something. Cade and Murdoch looked pissed after realising they weren't getting the title shot at One Night Stand. Maybe they'll interfere and give the WGTT the win...
Nah.
Here is your winner, (insert teenage girls screaming)
Melina vs Candice Michelle
Pudding Match
Three burning questions for this match:
1) How is a Pudding Match classified as, 'Extreme Rules'?
2) In which alternate universe is Melina classified as attractive?
3) How bad is this going to be?
I mean, really? These two aren't the worst women wrestlers the WWE has, I admit. Mickie, Victoria and maybe a few others are better, but Melina is alright and Candice is improving (although you already know I compared her to a STD before. And not the wrestling move.) But two women prone to botches in a puddle of pudding (nice alliteration, self) isn't going to be very entertaining. Wrestling-wise, at least. Still, we need a winner. Uhh... heck, they're pushing Candice to the moon... oh, wait, this is non-title. I didn't realise that. Yeah, now she's definitely winning.
Here is your winner, WOOOO GO DADDY YEAH WOO [/king]
Edge vs Batista
Steel Cage Match
World Heavyweight Championship
It's already been said a bazilliontrillionquadrillionmillionalotof times, but:
a) WHY IS BATISTA GETTING ANOTHER REMATCH, and
b) WHY IS SMACKDOWN PUTTING ON ANOTHER STEEL CAGE MATCH
Stupid Teddy Long. Look - Edge has been promised a long title run by the WWE, and Batista sucks, so...
Here is your winner, and STILL World Heavyweight Champion, ON THIS DAY I SEE CLEARLY
Mr. McMahon vs Bobby Lashley
Street Fight
ECW Championship
I love the fact that because Vincent loves Lindsey (and himself), the ECW title is being made more important than the World Heavyweight Title. It's above that match on the One Night Stand site, anyways, I don't know if it's more important. It's certainly not more prestigious - the belt my dad wears to work every day would be more prestigious than the ECW title at this point. OK, the match. Obviously, Lindsey's going to win. Vince has held the title for too long and he loves Lindsey too much to keep it off him for two months.
Here is your winner, and NEW ECW Tampion (as he would say), Bobby Lindsey
John Cena vs the Great Khali
Pinfalls Count Anywhere
WWE Championship
Note the wording there: pinfalls count anywhere. None of that best submission move ever, the STFU, this time. I'd just like to bring to your attention the poll on the front page of the One Night Stand site:
Did John Cena make a mistake accepting a Pinfalls Count Anywhere Match with the Great Khali?
Yes. The Great Khali has repeatedly manhandled him and has never been pinned. 46.05%
No. The Champ will overcome the odds as always. 53.94%
I just find this amusing in so many ways. "The Champ." "Overcome the odds as always." Oh, WWE, you crack me up. But the results show that the fans aren't stupid. We know Cena never loses. He ALWAYS overcomes the odds. I believe that the only way to defeat Cena would be to team him up with someone like Bobby Lashley who also always overcomes the odds and put him against someone like Val Venis, or Eugene. Then there's no odds to overcome. This happened on Raw when Cenashley faced Shane-O-Mac and the two non-English speaking and thus heels. So, as we know, as always (sigh)...
Here is your winner, and STILL WWE Champion, RAPAADDDOOOOOOOOOO
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